COFFEE, in Exclusive Interview, Steams, then Preens, over Cancer Label

Someone wrote to me a few weeks ago and suggested that I write an “Onion” inspired piece for April Fool’s Day on some coffee-related topic. In the meantime, though, I had the opportunity to actually speak with COFFEE about the recent ruling in California that he* be labeled a carcinogen. So, it’s just as well I didn’t make the April Fool’s deadline, this is a real interview with our most important subject. (And, I thought, why not? I’ll post something every couple of years…whether I need to or not…)

*… and, oh yeah, COFFEE is a HE…

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COFFEE, in Exclusive Interview, Steams, then Preens, over Cancer Label

In an exclusive, wide-ranging and, at times, disjoint interview, COFFEE ultimately emitted few fumes in regard to a court order that he wear a cancer warning. He even took pride in being officially deemed a public menace. “It’s the usual witch hunt, but I’m used to it, one year I’m good for what ails you, and the next I’m like, well, worse than asbestos.

“Listen, I’ve got nothing to complain about, look at my old partner, TOBACCO, his rep is down, and he’ll probably never recover; television is through with him, not even the magazines will give him exposure. But that old leaf is as popular as ever worldwide, he’s got that addictive charm, he’s worse than me, actually, in the killing-you-with-kindness department — what do people call him? – a freakin’ Death Stick. So who really cares about a puny little case of cancer…even those pasty-faced millennials: they aren’t even addicted yet, but they’re smoking & “vaping;” what suckers —

“So, while I dispute that I ever gave anyone cancer, it’s fake news, after all, I can tell you, even if you label my every bean as a tumor colluder, I’m not going to lose my base — they know I’m here for them,—you’re never going to pry that coffee cup out of their hands, not from their cold, dead fingers…like that guy with the guns said…

“The fact is, the people who love me are sticking by me, even if I do get more expensive because some failing CALIFORNIAN (no surprise there) attorney has made millions on some cancer labeling lawsuit he brewed up. What do you want: a slow, miserable death years later — or a slow, miserable, coffee-starved headache in the here-and-now?

“…and what’s wrong with being a bad boy? As far as I can tell, there is nothing people in this world love more these days than a fun-loving, if sometimes homicidal, psychopath. Look at the world’s most popular fictional characters on T.V., look at the world’s most adored political leaders for Chrissake (btw, what a wimp that guy was!); they’re all freaking monsters. But I bet you that I’d win in a popularity poll, TODAY, against any one of them with that Prop 65 label ‘round my tummy.

COFFEE, at this point, attempted to brush his long locks of imaginary hair with his tiny, hand-like appendages over the top of his all-cranium (but dubiously impacted) body and smiled, disturbingly, for the photographers, clustered around him.

“That’s right, you take all the pictures you want, and I dare people to drink me, tell all those ‘fraidy cats that only the biggest and baddest will even dare to inhale the aroma of me, much less take a sip. They know they need me, they can’t even take a pee, or a you-know-what, without a cup of yours truly.”

COFFEE then rolled, dribbled and dripped away, leaving a brown, technically carcinogenic, stain behind…this reporter then realized he hadn’t had a cup in several hours…and started to get a really, really bad headache…